Friday, February 25, 2005

I don't know about you, but I love The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I find it utterly hilarious and when I watch it, people tend to think I'm going to die from laughter because my face gets all red and I start rolling around as if I were choking, which I may very well be if I happen to be eating when the show comes on, but usually it is just from laughter. The point is that I just found an excellent clip from it online that I think people would generally enjoy about the fairly recent art exhibition in Central park. Go here and then click on Piles of Sheet. I hope it works for any mac users out there. Enjoy.

I decided I would finally post about the Death Murder Burger much like Chris and unlike Ilana.

The Death Murder Burger Epic v2.0
“Hello. I’d like a death murder burger with fries and a milkshake please.”
“Uhhh … quoi?”
“A death … murder … burger.”
“Un moment s’il vous plait.”

Perhaps I should explain. The Death Murder Burger was conceived of by Chris Brandon as a way to eat 4 animals at once. He had been influenced by the idea of the Turducken (chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey with a vest of ribs and a bacon bow-tie) and one of the special features of School of Rock with Jack Black. What is a Death Murder Burger composed of that it be given such a name you may ask? It is a Quarter-pounder paddy with cheese and bacon on top of a McChicken paddy on top of a Filet-o-Fish paddy all on one bun. The reason for the name is or should be obvious if you have seen Super-size me. The simple truth of the matter is that if anyone ate only this sandwich for more than 2 consecutive meals in a row, instant death would surely be the result whether it be from a clogged artery, the collective shut-down of most of the organs you will probably be wanting if you wish to stay alive or the shutdown of the brain because it can’t believe how unbelievably stupid its host is and feels the sudden urge to kill it and end what surely must be a burden on the rest of the population.

Given the nature of the burger, why then did we decide to go through with it? The answer to that one is quite a simple one. We are young and foolish. We are also quite healthy individuals and feel our bodies can sustain a bit of torment for the illustrious cause of eating 4 animals at the same time. There were also ethical concerns by some (Ahem … Etienne) that were completely unfounded in mine and the other’s minds as we saw the situation and its potential impaction on ourselves, others and the world in general.

Anyways, so what actually happened? It all started on a Monday afternoon/evening around 6:00 when we (Etienne, conscientious objector; Ilana, semi-vegetarian; Oliver, adamant meat eater; Josephine, horror and excitement seeker; and I, prominent advocator of the finer cuts of meat) had decided to meet Chris at the local McDonalds. We were quite hungry at this point having not eaten since lunch or some such, so I decided to head right for the counter.

“Hello. I’d like a death murder burger with fries and a milkshake please.”
“Uhhh … quoi?”
“A death … murder … burger.”
“Comment … uh … C’est quoi ca?”
“It is a [insert ingredients listed above] on one bun. Will you make it for me or should I do the assembly myself?”
“Un moment s’il vous plait.”

The conversation that followed between the boss of the serveuse with whom I had just spoken was the first proof of many to come that we were in fact at the worst MacDonalds in the history of the evil yet successful conglomerate. First she asked the boss if it could be made, so seemed confused so I explained it to her also but before I could get an answer my serveuse started arguing about who should serve me, a major taboo in any service related business, based mostly on the fact that I was one of those Anglophone usurpers and she didn’t have the intimate grasp on the language that is required to understand an order for a few burgers. I thought we were understanding each other as well as possible under the circumstances but I am clearly inferior in this province of enlightened francophones and my opinion is clearly not worth the words they are formulated with.

After at least 3 minutes of banter the boss finally got fed up and raised her voice saying, “No, you serve him and [to me] no you can’t do that.” This was fine with me, so I just ordered the components along with some fries and a milkshake and waited what seemed like at least 20 minutes but was probably more like 15 to get my burgers, seeing Oliver and Josephine order after me and get their food first (I think this is because they ordered in French). When I finally did get my food, I checked and there was no bacon on it! How was I supposed to eat four animals at the same time if there are only 3 animals present to be eaten? Riddle me this! I think this was some sort of joke on us by the staff because they didn’t give any of us our bacon. Chris even had to mud-wrestle to get the coke he had ordered, which was entertaining at the very least.

Finally, we all set down at our tables and started the assembly, peeling off paddies and assembling them onto one bun. I used that of the quarter pounder, or royale with cheese as Pulp Fiction has taught me they are called in France, to avoid the tartar sauce of the Filet-o-Fish. As you can see from the above pictures that it was a bit messy, and as can be seen below, ultimately a very large burger which we all enjoyed eating.

I with my upheld pinky, trying to bring a bit of class to the event. You can see just how big it was by the fact that all our neck muscles are straining to open our mouths that big.

Chris, eyes closed, is clearly savouring the moment as best he can. Or perhaps he is trying to forget that he is a vegetarian so that he can just enjoy his burger.

Ilana wasn’t forced to eat it despite. What this picture seems to suggest. She liked it.

Josephine didn’t like it but she seems to be laughing in this picture.

Oliver, so small and as dainty and ethereal a drummer as can be found, even in Europe is enjoying a chomp down on this mammoth culinary abomination.

Speaking of abomination, as I have mentioned, some people didn’t approve of the venture. In fact I had protestors outside my house the night before, picketing with humorous signs reading, “Make love not bacon!” and “Chutney not Gluttony!” to which I retaliated by blasting the Arrogant Worms song Carrot Juice Is Murder at them until they decided it was a good idea to leave me alone, which took only an astonishing 10 minutes. I think it was my singing along off key that did it. I also threatened to invite Tom over to join me.

So, anyways, we enjoyed our burgers and as taught from a young age, ate all the leftovers buns so as to have no waste. Oliver decided he hadn’t broken enough gastronomic rules for the night and filled his bun with French fries saying it tasted great. I guess the burgers did something good for us because we then had a band practice and wrote a pretty cool song that was more sophisticated that usual. Hurrah for the Death Murder Burger! Here, here and here are some more pictures for you to enjoy and create captions for in the comments.


Monday, February 21, 2005

I had a fantastic weekend! Started it all off with a mini party at Ian's place with Ilana, Ryan, Jen, Ian (of course), Tom (or Matt, I can't recall) and I. Ian creeped me out by first nibbling on my foot, then sock, then turning into a dog (crazy actors) and trying to get attention from everyone. He needs a girlfriend.

Saturday we played our show, which went alright, I guess. It was very much fun anyways. After it, we all went to Ryan's for one of his barbeques (this time his barbeque actually worked). There were tonnes of people at this one and much fun was had. As the evening evolved, Improv games started to be played. We played Freeze and then Should Have Said-Freeze. It was a great time. The improv games ended when during a 3-stooges sketch Ian and my heads got knocked together very hard and very painfully. Then Tom had a very dramatic exit that left Ian in a very philosophical mood, at which point I left.

There's more, but I have to go to school.

Tonight will be the eating of the Death Murder Burger! Updates may occur


Thursday, February 17, 2005

I am worth $1,867,450.00 on HumanForSale.com

How horrid is it that they can place a monetary value on a person based on eye colour and sense of style.


Wednesday, February 16, 2005

A special treat for all of you today from the dream world of Sam. It is a poem that came to me in a dream. Well, not so much a poem as a song and not so much an original song as changed lyrics to another previously existing song. Anyways, here it is:

What if God was one of us
An Episcopalian like one of us
Transubstantiating one of us
Into a femur or Mucous

Thats as far as I got, or at least as much as I recall. Anyone else have song dreams last night?


Sunday, February 13, 2005

Whoa! When did I get over a thousand hits? Why are people coming to this site at all?

I had an amazing time last night. I went dancing (first time) at Cafe Du Palais with Jen, Josephine, Ilana, Dave, Dave, The Almighty Conga Man and Kevin. Dancing is uber fun. I suck at it, but it is fun. They played alternative and a good variety of music, which I enjoyed quite a bit. The Almighty Conga Man and Josephine hooked up during the last song before they kicked us out (as this blog becomes the new repository for all the latest gossip). After we all went back to the apartment and I slept on the very hard and uncomfortable (to me at least) floor. I didn't sleep well. Oh well, what can you do. Then this morning we all went for brunch, and ate tonnes. It was really good food (they had sushi!) but it was a bit more expensive than I would have liked. For a good meal with good friends it was well worth it. I saw my first Woody Allen flick after, but I missed the middle-end because I fell asleep. Not because it wasn't interesting, or that I wasn't enjoying it, but just because I hadn't really slept at all and was really tired. I'm not tired anymore. In fact I'm feeling quite the opposite of tired. Anyways, band practice was alright, but I had to leave early to work on a presentation that we hadn't started for tomorrow, which got finished and I think is quite good.

This mental flush brought to you by the man who is not tired but really thinks he should be, Sam. Apologies to readers expecting, and probably rightly so, better.


Saturday, February 12, 2005

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Now that the previous post of self praise has worn off at least in a minor way, I will again post something that could be perceived as meaningful, most likely if you are not as perceptive as the average falling anvil. I just wanted to include something about a falling anvil. Forgiven? No? Bollocks.

I'm listening to a CD of Raggmopp called Please Reproduce This Album In Any Form that Chris lent to me. They are really cool, very different like everything he listens to. The CD cover consists of a crudely drawn person who I think looks like your typical computer software engineer (that is nothing extraordinarily special) replete with square plastic glasses and pens sticking out of his breast pocket on the plastic of the jewel case. This otherwise ordinary man is quite distinctively not so for 2 things that I neglected to mention in my description. That is in his left hand (not mine) he holds a bloodied axe and has a red spattered person. In the background there is a large sack with a head, arm and a leg protruding from the opening in the top sitting in a pool of what I can only assume was intended to be blood. The music isn't what you'd think of when you see this however. The song I listen to now has the lyrics consisting as far as I can tell of this, "Donkey, donkey, donkey, donkey" (which is hardly surprising considering that is the title of the song) with the music just playing some scalular riffs. Interesting indeed. Thanks again to Chris for the lend.

Chris also lent me The Salmon of Doubt by my favourite author of all time and space Douglas Adams. This fact probably explains the previous paragraph.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Remember that test I couldn't bring myself to study for? Well, I never really did study for it. I got it back yesterday and it appears that I needn't feel guilty in the least as I got 89% on it where the class average was 75%. Apparently we are the smartest class in Finance 1 in the history of the school so far. Go us. On another note, I heard back from the Mitre and they are going to publish one of my stories. Yay. We came up with a very catchy tune on Monday that is making fun of this ad campaign. It has been stuck in my head for days. If you come to our show on the 17th, perhaps you'll hear it.


Sunday, February 06, 2005

Friday was fun. I went to La Resto Mexican with Chris, The Almighty Conga Man, Mekashef, Mike, Emily, Josephine and Ilana. The food was great, and I talked to a mexican friend of mine named Esteban and he says that it is really quite authentic. Yesterday I went to Ilana's Mom's concert and enjoyed myself. I really liked the piece called The Notebook of Love Songs and I'm not just saying that because it was composed by Ilana's Dad. I loved his gratuitous use of harmonics. So much emotion in it; it was wonderful.

Today I was regailed with stories from an old man's army days. They were great! Almost makes me want to join the army. Almost. He told me stories of all the times he had accidentaly lit his pants on fire, and burned holes through his shirt, and then of his first shore leave... Anyways, gotta love an old man wearing a fedora with a rememberance day poppy still in it smoking a pipe and telling you interesting and funny stories of days gone by.

I like Sundays. Today is special. You can ask me any question in the comments and I will reply in 5 words with 100% honesty. This offer expires at 5:45 this evening. Good day.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Happy Birthday Mekashef!!!

Sometimes I hate the poeple in my program. Some guy in my class today was laughing maniacally at me for fully 5 minutes about some chance of a number I chose. I can't understand this type of behaviour. I mean, it isn't as if this guy has anything going for him. He is excessively fat, ugly and seemingly borders on the mentally deficient. It isn't that I was or am bothered by this, it is just that I think he is a moron and that his parents should have never been allowed to procreate. And then other times I really like the people. There are a lot of genuinely nice/interesting people in my program. Unfortunately people like the one mentioned above tend to demean the whole.

I had a nice chat with one of my professors today who I had in my first year. Out of the blue just pops up and decides it is a good time for a chat. I like that. He remembered from the spring that I owned a film company (I didn't bother to tell him that I had resigned last week) even though he was copiously drunk at the entrepreneurship seminar we were at when he found out. Anyways, nice to have profs like that.

I should really be studying for a Finance 1 midterm I have tomorrow, but I can't bring myself to care/worry about it even though it is worth 30% of my grade and it is supposed to be one of the toughest courses in the program. To worry would mean that I would study, and to study would mean that I would possibly do quite well on the exam. I have now no such guarantee, but somehow that doesn't bother me ... yet.

Happy Birthday Mekashef!!!


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