Wednesday, July 28, 2004
The tale of the Mighty Giant Bean
Long ago in a forest far away, (It was a magic forest so that no matter where you are on the planet, it is always far away, depending on your definition of far of course. That is to say that it was never all that close at hand and also means that it was in some sort of freaky other dimention where one can never get where it is going, but that is neither here nor there.) there was a man named Oliver. Oliver was a small man who came from a long line of ancestors (much the same as everyone else) who never had any excitement or ever went on any adventures of any kind.
‘Wait a second, this is sounding a lot like Lord of the Rings. Oliver isn’t a Hobbit is he?’ boomed a voice from what looked like a bowl of jellybeans and sounded quite like what you would imagine a narrator would sound like.
No he isn’t a hobbit, I was just thinking that myself. Startling coincidence though, don’t you think?
‘No, I don’t. I am a bowl of jellybeans. Since when do they think? You must be crazy, talking to yourself an giving innocent bowls of jellybeans who just happen to be laying around voices and the uncanny ability to think coherently.’
Anyways, Oliver was out doing some wholly unremarkable and completely uninteresting thing when he decided to do something that had it been noteworthy in anyway would have been recorded, but seeing as it was not, was lost in the sands of time, or dead leaves of time, or whatever you feel the need to describe it as when someone decides not to write something down because they don’t want the reader to become comatose from boredom. So, while he was doing this copiously boring task, a mighty giant bean jumped out of the forest and came running at Oliver with the sharpened stick he decided was a good idea to use as a weapon.
Oliver didn’t like the look of this particular mighty giant bean, so he took down his ordinary cast iron frying pan from the nail it was hanging from and hit the bean on what could be argued was his head hard enough to knock him unconscious, or at least as unconscious as a bean can be. He then took the bean’s pointy stick and threw it in the fire.
What happen next may shock and appal some of you, so I encourage anyone with a weak stomach to skip to the next paragraph or just keep reading because it really isn’t that bad. What happened next was that he decided it would be a good idea to string this so called mighty bean (lets face the facts here people, how might can a bean, no matter how giant, actually be?) by what could be argued as would be his feet and hang him next to the frying pan until he was dead and dried. Gruesome, I know, but I’m just telling the tale, not making it up.
That’s the end of the story. What? I never said it would be an interesting tale. It is about a bean and a guy who never does anything interesting for crying out loud! Did you think he would just get up and go on some grand adventure and encounter dragons, trolls and end up uber rich and living with elves? Hahahaha. Yeah, right.